Fiber for the Soul

because of the recent snow-pocalypse(s) that has taken over Charlottesville, i've had some good times of catching up with friends, and that of course includes the bestest--God. this past sunday, we were spending some quality time together when he brought up the sabbath to me. 'how appropriate,' you might say, 'that it was a sunday!' yea, yea, that's what i thought at first, too.

i get one of those daily bible verse emails, and that day's happened to be Hebrews 4:9-11:

there remains, then, a sabbath rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God's rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his. let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will fall by following their example of disobedience.

as i reread the verse, plus the few before, i was taken aback by a single thought--so wait, could it be that the sabbath is something to be taken everyday?!? not gonna lie, i sometimes feel kinda guilty for taking a sabbath, as if resting isn't worthy of God. but shoot, then comes Hebrews telling me that not doing so is disobedience...my, how that changes things.

we always talk about how we have this new freedom in Christ, and i often feel lost about what in the world this really means, especially in light of needing and wanting to be obedient. but when it says for me to enter God's rest, i think i start to understand. to enter into the rest of God is essentially freedom, freedom from the burdens of work, school, relationships, failures, life. sabbath is the freedom to trust God everyday, to put faith in the Creator who will provide for us, take care of us, and ultimately knows, and will do, what is best for us. taking a sabbath is an act of faith, trust, and obedience to the living God.

what if i actually did this everyday? actively said, and believed, that God will take care of all my needs if i simply rest in him? wow, how my life would look different! how the things i worry about would drastically change! how differently i would carry on in this world!

i suppose, in the end, that taking a sabbath should ultimately be the example of our prayer life and relationship with God. it's just as necessary as our "quiet times," or as i like to call it, play time, for building a trusting and meaningful relationship with our Creator. it shows that our faith is beyond anything we think we could ever do to earn such love and grace.

course, this is easier said than done. but i think i've got a new mindset that will help me to strive for a sabbath, for a time everyday to rest in God and give my life to him. the way i see it, the sabbath is kinda like fiber for the soul--ya gotta get enough of it everyday so that all can run smoothly, right? ;)

finger painting 101

i recently bought my first ever set of watercolors. i've had a desire as of late to paint. don't ask me why, cause i have no visually artistic abilities whatsoever. so far i've only painted once, and while it was quite fun, perhaps i should have started out my painting exploration with finger paints.

art. the Bible is a piece of art. yea, yea, it's also the written word of God. but the Bible is ART.

i have recently been struck by the Bible's literary awesomeness. the poetry, the use of language, the stories, creativity...wow. i've been reading the Psalms as of late, mostly because i feel like they just speak to me, that i connect better to their use of imagery and artistry. but then i began to read Lamentations, and Elijah's story, and Esther, and i realized, well, the whole Bible is this fascinating literary work. i love writing. i love reading. i love the thought that goes into each word, each phrase, but more than that i love the bigger picture. and right now, the big picture that the Bible paints is one of such diversity and creativity that it just makes me downright giddy and giggly.

i've been pondering a lot lately about translation and interpretation. something that has been on my heart and mind is how often we nitpick at verses, how we, in our attempts to be "literal" and "unbiased" readers of the Bible, end up reducing it to something so devoid of creativity and passion, of diversity and emotion. it just seems to me downright silly. i could never read the Bible NOT being me, just as you can't read it not being you. and i don't think that's a bad thing. the creative God of the entire Universe couldn't possibly have desired for us to read about Him in the exact same way, right?!?

perhaps some will say my thoughts are heretical, i dunno. but i can't imagine that the way God and His Word reach out to me is the way it must reach others. just as believers have a plethora of testimonies, so we should also have just as many ways to read and see and explore God's Word and His ever-reaching hands in our lives. the early writers certainly thought so too--why else would we otherwise have at least 4(!!!) different accounts of the same story of Jesus' life?!? same God, different people, different ways of reaching them, different accounts of who He is. do you see how beautiful that is?!? that only collectively, through all our different eyes, words and lives, can we see the fullness of God's creativity and awesomeness?!?

bigger hands

last week, i had one of those awesome, random conversations that can only be chalked up to a mind infinitely greater than humankind's collectively. i met with a volunteer with the United Way to do a joint presentation to raise money for them and talk about Abundant Life, an organization that benefits from said money. This happened to be the 3rd time that Kevin and i were doing such a presentation. we arrived early, and as we were waiting somehow got talking about faith and Christianity. he ended up telling me how him and his family all got baptized not too many years ago and a little bit about his journey so far in his faith. it was really a heartwarming conversation for me that suddenly turned to a different tone.

"have you ever thought about preaching?"
i stared blankly at him for a good solid bit and then, "well...actually..."

who knew that this conversation would end up there?!? i began to tell him some of my story, how i was going to Divinity school next year, how i had thought about preaching before but wasn't sure where that might lead, how i knew the stakes were high and the road would be difficult regardless because i am a woman. and from there the conversation began to move to race, to where his heart was moving in terms of reconciliation and the struggles that entails, and i got to share with him my journey so far along that road. this whole time i'm thinking, "here is this 50ish year-old white man, about as new to his faith as i am, bringing up both women in ministry and racial reconciliation to a person he barely knows and opening his heart to what God might have him do and think about it." the Lord works through everyday, ordinary people, that's for sure.

surely, i thought, it cannot be coincidence that he brought up both of the topics that are so full on my heart, that have led me to divinity school, and ministry for that matter, in the first place? how encouraging it was to hear him, to see his heart so soft for the Lord, to hear him beginning to work out the changes God was making in his life. and then to hear him genuinely take interest in the matters on my heart, to wrestle with my perspective! how could he so unabashedly and unknowingly encourage and affirm me, a woman he barely knew, to follow through with what i, and perhaps he, believe God is calling me to do?

our presentation that day turned out to be to a whopping 3 people. but as we parted ways to our cars to go back to work, i knew this encounter was purposed for another reason. as he walked away, he once again affirmed and encouraged me and left me with these parting words, "Just remember, there are bigger hands at work here." Amen.

wake up

tonight, a homeless man asked me why there wasn't a place for them to stay every day and night...

i didn't have an answer.

then he will say to those on his left, 'depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. for i was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, i was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, i was a stranger and you did not invite me in, i needed clothes and you did not clothe me, i was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'
they also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'
he will reply, 'i tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'

Lord, that i may see the world through your eyes...

beautiful thinking

εύνοια... "beautiful thinking."

i randomly found this word a few days ago, and it immediately intrigued me. what in the world does beautiful thinking really mean? but it has struck me in a powerful way, and i think i'm just now beginning to get a glimpse of what beautiful thinking truly is.

forgiveness. another intriguing and powerful word. the very heart of the gospel. i've been on both ends recently, and it never fails to absolutely floor me. just think about the premise for forgiveness. God sees us in our sin, all day, everyday, and yet somehow looks at us new every morning. and keep in mind that this 1) in no way has to do with any redeeming qualities of ours, and 2) is a choice made by God. God didn't just look at the world one day and say, 'Oh, poop, the humans screwed up today. well forget that then...' no, no, no. he knew. he thought. he planned. he decided to forgive. beautiful thinking.

...and yes, God does say 'poop.'

which leads me to another recent revelation God has shown me--i am a middle school girl. yikes.

i've spent a lot of time with some middle school girls from the neighborhood in our dance program this past week. lemme give you a brief picture of one day's events. on the ride over from school, one of the girls was getting a little sassy at me when another girl quips up and says, "you can talk to her like that, but we don't; she's our friend now." don't ask me where that came from. your guess is as good as mine. but don't get your hopes up just yet--the day has just begun. then comes the blatant disobeying of any rules ever established by us. oh but then you get a hug and a "yes ma'am." oh but then the effect gets negated when 1 minute later the same girls start screaming at you and out the van window. oh the joy of it all!

by the third day of being with the girls this week, i was exhausted and at my wits end. as i arrived with the girls from school, however, downtrodden and disheartened, God spoke to me in ways only he can. He stared back at me from the faces of 8 middle school girls and said, "you do this to me everyday, too." every. single. day. my BFF, my BFFL, my BFFAETE(best friend forever and ever til eternity, for those of you unaware of the lingo). think of how you feel when you have to forgive or be forgiven by a close friend. now multiply that by like, a trillion EVERY DAY. it's absolutely insane to the membrane...or is it beautiful thinking?

we all just want to be loved. there is a song by don henley(amazingly redone by the one and only India.Arie) called heart of the matter that speaks this idea of love and forgiveness to me. one line goes, "how can love survive in such a graceless age?" i'm convinced that showing and practicing grace and forgiveness are the very means by which we learn to love. the people in my life who have shown me the most love, who have shown me what it truly means to love someone, are the very people i have hurt the most. shoot, i wouldn't have any friends if it weren't for God's plan of grace and forgiveness. but the most stunning part about this is that i wouldn't have love either. because amidst any hurt, anger, or confusion i cause or have thrust upon me, there is a place of joy, of love, of redemption. to use another song, God's plan presents to us a perfect place where joy and sorrow meet. is God showing me that the practice, the application, the very acts of love are really the art of grace and forgiveness?

i guess God lives for those moments when we get it right. or for when we realize how far we fall short with every breath and turn ourselves back to him. cause as crazy as it sounds, i feel the love of God, of my sisters and brothers most powerfully in the form of forgiveness. and that goes for giving and receiving. it's down right beautiful. oh, it's hard all right. when i looked at the girls on that fourth day this week, i had to make a choice to forget their past wrongs, to draw to the forefront of my mind that God's grace and mercy is new for me every morning; shouldn't the grace i give be the same? what beautiful thinking.

bag o chips

i have come to the realization that the fact that i have a blog is absurd...and hilarious.

this month is now officially going down in history as "the month of God's will." i tried to think of something catchier, but alas, ya can't win 'em all. the reason for the title is that i've been especially seeking and searching for the past few months what it means for me to follow God's will. perhaps this has been because i find myself at a crossroads of life, yearning for a purpose, a direction, a hint of what is to come.

i used to not open myself to people at all, even my closest friends. shocking, i know. i was discussing this with an awesome friend of mine, who happened to not know me during my closed-off stage, and i realized how crazy it was that this change has only occurred in me over the past 2-ish years. wow. how cray cray and awesome is God?!?

this realization about myself has turned my whole mind around on what it means to know and follow in God's will. what this stage of my life has really been about is not me trying to know and be in every single detail of God's will for my life, but me finally being willing to fully open myself up to God. not gonna lie, it's TERRIFYING. but hey, i'm sure it's nothing compared to the terror and fear that Abraham must have felt when he was about to sacrifice his son. or the confusion and despair that Joseph surely felt about God's promises to him while he was in prison.

speaking of Joseph, check this passage out:

But while Joseph was there in the prison, the Lord was with him; he showed him kindness and granted him favor in the eyes of the prison warden. so the warden put Joseph in charge of all those held in prison, and he was made responsible for all that was done there. the warden paid no attention to anything under Joseph's care, because the Lord was with Joseph and gave him success in whatever he did.
~Genesis 39:20-23

Joseph chucked his will out the window and hopped on to God's, walking with Him through wherever and whatever God wanted to take him through, be it prison, trusting His crazy plan to fulfill His promises, or in my case, driving sassy middle school girls in a giant purple van. God didn't care what Joseph or anyone else thought; His plan was good and awesome and right. it almost feels like stickin it to "the man." the (not so)inner hippie in me is STOKED.

i have no idea what i'm doing. and i think that's the point. God's will for my life is to learn not to depend on myself but on Him, to walk with Him and not pretend like i'm all that and a bag o chips and i got this thing called life under wraps. cause let's be real. i'm a hot mess. and it's only when i acknowledge that that i truly make myself vulnerable to God's will and the awesomeness i can't even begin to fathom that He has in store for me.

Martha, Martha

inhale...exhale. it feels like i'm breathing for the first time.

i'm coming out of a haze, if you will. it's like i'm seeing and breathing again, and i'm floored that somehow i hadn't realized i had even stopped in the first place.

i've been bogged down lately by trying to do God's will. of course, it's good to want to do what God desires of us and to follow his will, but not the way i was going about it. in my desire to know everything, to understand every detail of his will for my life, i became trapped by the fear of not fulfilling it. i was so blindsided and distracted with the minute that it left no room for me to see his grand, ultimate purpose for me. i lost what it meant to know that God is sovereign and that he loves me in truly unfathomable ways.

let me just say, His Word is so incredibly powerful.

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, 'Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!'

'Martha, Martha,' the Lord answered, 'you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

~Luke 10:38-42

you might as well have called me Martha for the past few weeks. i've been doing the same thing she did--losing sight of God and his ultimate desire for me even while i'm staring him in the face and talking with him. wowzers. in the end, all that matters is that i'm at the Lord's feet listening, fully captured and caught up in who He is.

inhale...exhale. that image...i can feel it filling up my soul...