Sunday, November 29, 2009

bag o chips

i have come to the realization that the fact that i have a blog is absurd...and hilarious.

this month is now officially going down in history as "the month of God's will." i tried to think of something catchier, but alas, ya can't win 'em all. the reason for the title is that i've been especially seeking and searching for the past few months what it means for me to follow God's will. perhaps this has been because i find myself at a crossroads of life, yearning for a purpose, a direction, a hint of what is to come.

i used to not open myself to people at all, even my closest friends. shocking, i know. i was discussing this with an awesome friend of mine, who happened to not know me during my closed-off stage, and i realized how crazy it was that this change has only occurred in me over the past 2-ish years. wow. how cray cray and awesome is God?!?

this realization about myself has turned my whole mind around on what it means to know and follow in God's will. what this stage of my life has really been about is not me trying to know and be in every single detail of God's will for my life, but me finally being willing to fully open myself up to God. not gonna lie, it's TERRIFYING. but hey, i'm sure it's nothing compared to the terror and fear that Abraham must have felt when he was about to sacrifice his son. or the confusion and despair that Joseph surely felt about God's promises to him while he was in prison.

speaking of Joseph, check this passage out:
But while Joseph was there in the prison, the Lord was with him; he showed him kindness and granted him favor in the eyes of the prison warden. so the warden put Joseph in charge of all those held in prison, and he was made responsible for all that was done there. the warden paid no attention to anything under Joseph's care, because the Lord was with Joseph and gave him success in whatever he did.
~Genesis 39:20-23

Joseph chucked his will out the window and hopped on to God's, walking with Him through wherever and whatever God wanted to take him through, be it prison, trusting His crazy plan to fulfill His promises, or in my case, driving sassy middle school girls in a giant purple van. God didn't care what Joseph or anyone else thought; His plan was good and awesome and right. it almost feels like stickin it to "the man." the (not so)inner hippie in me is STOKED.

i have no idea what i'm doing. and i think that's the point. God's will for my life is to learn not to depend on myself but on Him, to walk with Him and not pretend like i'm all that and a bag o chips and i got this thing called life under wraps. cause let's be real. i'm a hot mess. and it's only when i acknowledge that that i truly make myself vulnerable to God's will and the awesomeness i can't even begin to fathom that He has in store for me.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Martha, Martha

inhale...exhale. it feels like i'm breathing for the first time.

i'm coming out of a haze, if you will. it's like i'm seeing and breathing again, and i'm floored that somehow i hadn't realized i had even stopped in the first place.

i've been bogged down lately by trying to do God's will. of course, it's good to want to do what God desires of us and to follow his will, but not the way i was going about it. in my desire to know everything, to understand every detail of his will for my life, i became trapped by the fear of not fulfilling it. i was so blindsided and distracted with the minute that it left no room for me to see his grand, ultimate purpose for me. i lost what it meant to know that God is sovereign and that he loves me in truly unfathomable ways.

let me just say, His Word is so incredibly powerful.

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, 'Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!'

'Martha, Martha,' the Lord answered, 'you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

~Luke 10:38-42

you might as well have called me Martha for the past few weeks. i've been doing the same thing she did--losing sight of God and his ultimate desire for me even while i'm staring him in the face and talking with him. wowzers. in the end, all that matters is that i'm at the Lord's feet listening, fully captured and caught up in who He is.

inhale...exhale. that image...i can feel it filling up my soul...

Monday, November 9, 2009

You are still God

"answer me quickly, O Lord; my spirit fails. do not hide your face from me..."

i am impatient with God.

It seems to me that the writers of the Psalms were also quite impatient as well. what first led me to the Psalms about a week ago was the notion that God can move mountains. my initial conversation with God after thinking about this went something along these lines: 'hey! get a move on! (directed at myself...and God.) 'i mean, you're the Author of Salvation. if you literally can think of, and deliver, a way to cover all the sins that ever have been and ever will be, surely moving some tiny mountain is no huge stretch. Waiting?!? no thanks, i don't wat to read those old magazines in an oddly wallpapered room. i'll just skip to the part where you listen to my problems and then tell me how to fix them."

needless to say, i'm still waiting.

after the hectic month of October, i've found myself in a lull. instead of busy, busy, busy, i'm pondering what in the world to do with my time. it's brought me back into this battle i periodically have with myself about feeling like i'm not doing enough for God. his work never ceases, but clearly i can't do that, so how then should i invest my time? what is valuable and pleasing to the Lord? after praying about it for a while, a new thought came to me--'he's investing time in me...perhaps i should be investing time in Him and what he's working on in me..."

i happened to be hanging out with a friend when that revelation arrived. we had been talking about our struggles to trust God when she said something very simple and wise--you can't trust someone you don't know. so trusting requires not just my faith, but an action, an effort to know more about God and who He really is. that is where my time is to be spent. waiting, then, becomes me not twiddling my thumbs and being complacent but seeking Him, expectant and open to what he has in store. and that's when it hit me--God is definitely moving mountains now, but not the mountains i am consumed with. He's moving mountains in my heart.

"let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for i have put my trust in you. show me the way i should go, for to you i lift up my soul."

i've always equated a waiting period with a desert, a dry and barren place until one day, suddenly understanding comes in an earth-shaking downpour of rain. oddly, my experience thus far has not been like that. i honestly feel as though i've learned more during this process of waiting than when i'm "high on the Holy Spirit." it's as if i've finally learned that age-old concept that we have two ears and one mouth for a reason. instead of asking God for numerous things, i'm seeking to hear his voice. i'm doing my best to pour into his word, and he is blessing me with verses and songs that resound in my heart. i'm learning to actively trust that he is who he said he is and that he does indeed have something in store for me greater than i could ever imagine. i guess i would re-label this season "walking" instead of "waiting"--nothing fancy or flashy, just a girl trying to tag along with her maker.

in every season, even in the waiting, He's sovereign and worthy of praise. it's like that old gospel classic: He may not come when you want Him to, but He's always right on time. He is, after all, still God.

~Psalm 143