"answer me quickly, O Lord; my spirit fails. do not hide your face from me..."
i am impatient with God.
It seems to me that the writers of the Psalms were also quite impatient as well. what first led me to the Psalms about a week ago was the notion that God can move mountains. my initial conversation with God after thinking about this went something along these lines: 'hey! get a move on! (directed at myself...and God.) 'i mean, you're the Author of Salvation. if you literally can think of, and deliver, a way to cover all the sins that ever have been and ever will be, surely moving some tiny mountain is no huge stretch. Waiting?!? no thanks, i don't wat to read those old magazines in an oddly wallpapered room. i'll just skip to the part where you listen to my problems and then tell me how to fix them."
needless to say, i'm still waiting.
after the hectic month of October, i've found myself in a lull. instead of busy, busy, busy, i'm pondering what in the world to do with my time. it's brought me back into this battle i periodically have with myself about feeling like i'm not doing enough for God. his work never ceases, but clearly i can't do that, so how then should i invest my time? what is valuable and pleasing to the Lord? after praying about it for a while, a new thought came to me--'he's investing time in me...perhaps i should be investing time in Him and what he's working on in me..."
i happened to be hanging out with a friend when that revelation arrived. we had been talking about our struggles to trust God when she said something very simple and wise--you can't trust someone you don't know. so trusting requires not just my faith, but an action, an effort to know more about God and who He really is. that is where my time is to be spent. waiting, then, becomes me not twiddling my thumbs and being complacent but seeking Him, expectant and open to what he has in store. and that's when it hit me--God is definitely moving mountains now, but not the mountains i am consumed with. He's moving mountains in my heart.
"let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for i have put my trust in you. show me the way i should go, for to you i lift up my soul."
i've always equated a waiting period with a desert, a dry and barren place until one day, suddenly understanding comes in an earth-shaking downpour of rain. oddly, my experience thus far has not been like that. i honestly feel as though i've learned more during this process of waiting than when i'm "high on the Holy Spirit." it's as if i've finally learned that age-old concept that we have two ears and one mouth for a reason. instead of asking God for numerous things, i'm seeking to hear his voice. i'm doing my best to pour into his word, and he is blessing me with verses and songs that resound in my heart. i'm learning to actively trust that he is who he said he is and that he does indeed have something in store for me greater than i could ever imagine. i guess i would re-label this season "walking" instead of "waiting"--nothing fancy or flashy, just a girl trying to tag along with her maker.
in every season, even in the waiting, He's sovereign and worthy of praise. it's like that old gospel classic: He may not come when you want Him to, but He's always right on time. He is, after all, still God.